Critisism of the Inheritance Cycle characters
by February Breeze
Summary: Dew is a freaky fangirl that buys a magic mirror on amazon and thus travels to the visitor's hall of the Inheritance Cycle characters, and she decides that, for fun, she will make them spill all their hates of each other right where her pen can take notes
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: These characters are not mine, I do not critise myself in public.**

** The only character that does belong to me is Dew, as I made her up.**

_Chapter one: Eragon_

Dew walked up the stairs to the hall. She smoothed her hair down and opened the door.

'Hello everyone!' she said happily 'So, where are we at the moment?'

A room full of confused faces stared at her.

'Who are you?' asked a dark skinned lady in a yellow dress.

'Ah! You must be Nasuada! My name is Dew, you can call me Dewy if you want, but please do not call me Raindrop, as it isn't the same thing . . .' Dew trailed off

'Let me explain myself: I am a fan! . . . but I don't know what time in the book it is. So, please tell me what the last event was'

'What do you mean by event?' asked a tall, silvery-white haired elf.

'Ah! Oromis! Well, for starters . . . are you still alive?' asked Dew.

Oromis' eyes narrowed. 'Yes . . . are you saying CP's going to kill me off?'

'Nonononono . . . I'm not allowed to tell you anything, might change the storyline! But what book is currently taking place?'

'Brisingr, we are in the final chapters' said Nasuada.

'I just told Eragon about the Eldulnarí' said Oromis helpfully.

'Aha! Thank you! Hang on . . . shouldn't you be in Alegaesia, not in the visitor's hall?'

'We get breaks between chapters' explained Nasuada.

'Ooooh . . . cool! You learn something new every day!' Dew paused 'So, basically, I'm a fangirl . . .'

There was a moan from the side of the room, and Dew looked to the source of the noise and smiled 'Don't worry Murtagh, I'm not one of _your_ fangirls. I'm not really into the whole hate-and-blame-others-for-my-stupid-life thing, although I do sympathise with you: my teachers force me to do things I don't want to all the time'

'Anyway. As I was saying, I heard there was a way I could meet you all and sort of interview you . . . I don't know if you are familiar with the name Luna?'

Several people screamed.

'Don't worry, I'm not going to torture anyone, it's not my style, even though I really do admire Luna . . . No, I'm going to be nice, promise. All I want is a specified interview with all of you as a group. By specified I mean I will only broach one subject'

'Which will be . . .?' Nasuada asked impatiently.

'Critisism' said Dew grinning 'I am not only going to critisise you character by character, I am also going to ask you to critisise each other. If you will agree of course.'

'Why should we agree?' asked Nasuada.

'Because it sounds fun' came a voice from behind her.

Nasuada span around and began to search for a culprit.

'Ah, Angela, what makes you think that?'

'It's a good idea' said Angela 'I wouldn't mind knowing what people think about me, and I certainly wouldn't mind giving my opinion on most of you guys'

Dew's eyes twinkled happily. Angela was one of her favourite characters.

'Ok . . . lets vote' somebody proposed 'All in favour of critisising eachother for this random girl's pleasure'

A surprisingly large amount of hands went up. Dew saw Oromis raise his hand first (_Wow!_ she thought) and Angela second, a broad grin on her face. In the end, even Murtagh shrugged and stuck a few fingers in the air nonchalantly. Nasuada looked unsure, and kept her hand down, but she still said: 'Fine, let's get it done then'

'Yay!' screamed Dew 'Ok, Eragon first; he is the main character'

A boy with moosey brown hair and pointy ears came out from the crowd. 'Here I am'

'Right' Dew fumbled for her notebook and pen 'If you could please sit on that high-chair in the centre of the room, I will sit at the desk and take notes, and the rest of you can take that big pile of chairs from over there and sit in a semi-circle in front of me'

'What chairs?' asked Eragon.

Dew rolled her eyes. 'It's an imaginary room, surely we can just imagine some chairs, a desk and a high-chair, can't we?'

'You could try'

Dew tried. The furnishing, to everybody's surprise, actually appeared.

'There, now sit!' she ordered.

After a lot of shuffling, argueing, pushing, shoving, falling over, a couple of sword fights and several shouts of 'Barzul!' . . . everybody was finally in place. Dew walked up to her desk and sat down. After a moment of thought, she imagined herself a raspberry milkshake and a jam donut, figuring she couldn't get fat on imaginary food.

She then stared at Eragon, who was looking fairly uncomfortable in the big throne-like chair.

'Well, I will start with my opinion of you: You are, when we get down to it, a boy. Even if you are the last free rider (which, by the way, you are _not_) and even if you end up killing Galby, who I noticed isn't here, I will always consider you a boy. Not a man. I will never ever consider you a man' Dew paused, intending to let silence speak louder than words, but the silence was drowned by the deep, gutteral growl from the shiny blue dragon sitting behind Eragon 'Don't be mad, Saphira' Dew continued quickly 'I don't mean it as a bad thing. Eragon is this sweet little boy that has been pushed into a big complex world with pretty, new things. Naturally, he stops and stares at the pretty new things, even if he isn't supposed to stare at them. After a while, these pretty new things start to make sense, and thus Eragon becomes less naive . . . but deep down, he is still trying to figure out what the pretty new things are really about. Thus, he is curious, inquisitive and slightly late in every single situation. That is how I would like to remember him, heedless of any later change that is bound to occur. All that apart, he is also a decent protagonist, if a bit exasperating at times, a skilled warrior and very determined' Dew finally finished, slightly out of breath.

There was a large round of applause, and Eragon was grinning stupidly. _Aaaaw _thought Dew. To her, Eragon was the little brother she never had.

'Well, now I would like some other peoples' opinions. How about . . . Arya, yes, that would be pur-fect' purred Dew. Eragon stopped smiling.

The elf stood up immediatly and gave the audience her most dazzling smile.

Applause.

Dew scowled. Although she liked Arya (most of the time), she couldn't help feeling jealous of her grace and good looks. Dew being a girl with light brown hair and a nose scattered with freckles, there was nothing remarkable about her appereance. Also, she had rounded ears, which she found annoying. She had tried to make them pointy by use of paper clips, but all she had managed was to put herself through a lot of pain for no real reason.

'Ok, opinion time' Dew said to end the applause.

'Well' started Arya in her musical voice 'Eragon is a good friend of mine, he is loyal and always tries his best at the task at hand'

'Yeeeeeees . . . .' Dew said, trying to encourage Arya to mention the unmentionable.

'Well, it does get very annoying when he won't stop hitting on me. It's stupid: he knows he shouldn't, yet he does'

'Well, he is a human' Dew interrupted 'We enjoy disobedience, it's practically a hobby. Anyway, how does that make you feel?'

'What do you mean?'

'Come on, spill, we want details. Do you or do you not have nightmares bacause of it? Do you have a very high level of stress? Does he drive you mad?'

'Well . . .'

'Tell the truth now'

'I do have drea – nightmares sometimes. And at certain points in my life I wonder if he will _ever _grow up . . . he really needs to grow up! I mean, what's the big deal? So I'm an elf, and elves are pretty, but surely he can go and adore some _other_ elf can't he? I mean, there's hundreds of us. Even the most picky man in the universe could find at least five elf girls he found atractive, but NO not Eragon. It _has_ to be me!' Arya threw her hands in the air theatrically and sat down in a fit of drama, putting a very well timed end to her speach. The last words had been said in a slightly hysterical tone that Dew had found slightly frightening.

'Wow' Said a rather surprised Eragon 'It was actually worse than I expected'

It looked to Dew that he was in shock, but she was sure he would be pretty upset later. Oh well, it was brilliant writing.

'Right' Dew said, clearing her throat 'Next critic, Roran Stronghammer

Roran stood up.

'Well . . . Eragon is my cousin . . .' he started slowly.

'Really? I didn't know that!' muttered Dew under her breath.

'And . . . well, I like him and all that . . . he's like a brother to me, as we practically grew up as brothers . . . he was always very determined to prove himself against me. Yeah, he sort of threw himself against every oponent as if his life depended on it. I supose that he might have sensed that his life really _would _depend on it in the near future' Roran chuckled 'And . . . well, he is a bit of a big boy now, he has changed a lot over very little time. Can't think of anything else'

'Very interesting' said Dew dryly after a short bout of applause. 'Next . . . Orik, if you would your majesty'

Orik stood up. Applause. He cleared his throat. Applause. This guy was really popular.

'Eragon Shadeslayer' he said slowly 'Is a foster brother of mine, and he is a complete and utter idiot. Only in a good way'

Orik sat down. Applause.

'Wow! Totally showbizz!' chuckled Dew. Everybody stared at her. 'Ok, so you don't know what that means, consider it an expression from the far future. Who knows, maybe it will catch on' Dew said thoughtfully

'Ehem, yes well, next on the agenda . . . Oh yeah! The wierd and wonderfull Angela!'

Overwelming applause. People were getting the hang of this, and it was making what Dew considered epic fanfiction.

Angela stood up.

'Eragon' she stated plainly 'Sometimes I wonder whether to compare you with a stubborn mule, a spring lamb, a rabid gorilla or a retarded donkey, yet when I stop to think about it properly there is only one possible comparison: his father. Honestly, if you made them both the same age they would be damn hard to tell apart! Which, Eragon, means that when you are older you are going to be a grumpy old story teller in a pointless little village in the middle of nowhere. If you live that long, of course'.

Eragon laughed out loud.

'Well, aside from that, you are a decent fella, even if you ask more questions than a Sabathian priest. Your dragon is, of course, wonderful, aren't you Saph?'

The dragon roared in appretiation, spitting out a jet of flame and setting a couple of empty chairs on fire (Are you sure they were empty?).

'Oh, and he isn't very good with riddles'

Another roar of applause. She sat down.

'Right, who else . . . We won't do Islanzadi this time, that would be traumatising, better save her for another character, can't do Elva, she would just complain for _ever . . .'_

_ '_Careful human' hissed the little girl 'I can see you weakness' Elva winked, making Dew shiver. She had been hoping Elva would ignore her, but it had been a futile hope.

'Don't worry, I'll come to you in the next chapter' Dew assured her quickly 'Now, Lady Nasuada!'

'I am not going to critisise my vassal' stated Nasuada, still sitting down.

'Oh come on, be a sport' said Murtagh from across the semi-circle.

It took Nasuada surprisingly little time to react to him. Suspiciusly little time. Note to self: must investigate.

'As you all know Eragon is my vassal and also the only hope to defeat the evil king Galbatorix' _Blah blah blah _thought Dew as Nasuada paused 'And so far he is doing a very good job, aside from cursing an innocent child with a horrible accidental spell, swearing oaths to an enormous variety of different people and dissapearing for several months to do . . . something. Yes, that aside he is fairly decent as a subject'.

'And what about outside of work?' asked Dew.

Nasuada blinked. 'I don't really know him outside of work'

'Do you even _have _any life outside of work?'

'No' stated Nasuada.

'Ok then, we are finished with you then you sad boring person' exclaimed Dew 'Now . . . Saphira!'

_You want me to critisise the partner of my life? _Asked Saphira.

'Um, yes please'

_Ok. Now . . . where to start? Well, he is a very worthy rider, and a good person. That's why I chose him._

Eragon smiled.

_But he does have a rather unhealthy obsession with ants, which I must say I fail to understand. They are just ants, not some sort of god. Therefore, he shouldn't worship them. _

'Hang on!' Shouted Eragon 'I am NOT obsessed with ants! I certainly don't worship them!'

_Yes, Eragon, you are. It's unhealthy, you should get over it._

Eragon grumbled something that sounded suspiciusly like 'F**** off!'

What kind of words do they teach the young riders of today!

_Apart from that, he is overly self-concious and cares far to much about his reputation . . . deep down inside. And he is rather petty at times. And he complains a lot. But he does work hard, I'll give him that._

'Is that all?'

_Yes_

'OK next . . . Oh god! It's 8:30! I'm going to skip to the last person on the list and after that I _really _have to go! Now who did I put last . . .'

Dew stared at her notebook.

'Why in Alegaesia did I put him last?' she murmured 'Well, Oromis. Would you care to share your godly opinion?'

'Sorry?' Oromis asked.

'Oh sorry, your an atheist. It doesn't matter'

'What religion do you practise?' Oromis asked conversationally.

'Fangirlism' Dew said blushing 'Let's move on, please!'

'Ok . . . Eragon, what to critisise? Or rather, where to start?' Oromis smiled at his own joke. 'Eragon is a very applied student, he always does his best, as has been said. At times he can be annoying with all the unintelligent questions, but then again he inherited that trait from his father, who was also a bit dense. Apart from that . . . he is fairly normal. Aside from the, um, staring'

'Staring? What staring?' Dew asked pretending she didn't know what he was talking about.

'Um, during the, um, bath . . .' Dew had never heard (or rather read) Oromis use so many Ums in a sentence. It was so uncharacteristic it was wonderful.

'. . . . he sort of stared, um, well, you know, stared . .' Oromis stuttered.

'At rude places?' Dew suggested.

'No!' Eragon shouted 'Never! Well, yes, I did _glance _occasionly but I never ever ever ever _stared_!'

'Yes you did!' Oromis said, regaining his calm now that he no longer had to explain Eragon's confusion when it came to his . . . ideas. Eragon was a very strange boy.

'No I never-'

'Ok, time up! It's time for me to go now! School tomorrow, wish me luck in my math exam!' Dew interrupted him 'I will be back tomorrow to continue . . . I have a very interesting idea for my next session!'

After a chorus of 'See you tomorrow', Dew ran out of the door, down the stairs and through the big mirror she had recently bought online. It was labled: "Magic Portal, Multidimensional Travel, Section: Books & Novels, Special Fantasy Edition. 35 $ USA, Amazon. Made in China." She had only googled it as a joke, and had been very surprised to find out it existed.

She landed on her bed.

'Dewy, are you ready for bed?' came her mum's voice.

'Almost!' shouted Dew as she rammed her notebook under her bed and quickly put on her pijama.

She couldn't wait for tomorrow.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two – A Trip Down Memory Lane.**

Dew was feeling impatient. Very impatient.

'Ding-dong'.

She rushed to open the door.

'Delivery for Miss Sha-'

'Yes that's me, just give me the package' Dew shrieked at the poor delivery boy.

'You have to sign here' he said.

Dew signed, grabbed the package and slammed the door in his face. She wasn't usually this rude, but she was so excited about her plan.

She had been on google again, and she had typed in the following:

"Time Travel Device. Section: Imaginary Yet Real Spaces And Timelines. Subsection: Books And Novels"

She had then ordered a pen on Ebay. It had cost her a tenner. She considered it a great deal.

And now she was rushing up to her bedroom and jumping through the mirror, only to come back through to pick up her notebook and pen.

'Hello everyone!' she shouted gleefully as soon as she reached the hall.

'Eeeeeer . . . everyone? Where are you?'

'Hello?'

Her voice echoed through the empty hall. She suddenly felt lonely.

'Where is everybody?' she wailed.

There was a loud crashing sound.

'I can't believe you are leaving for battle!' shouted Eragon.

'It isn't my fault, Paolini is making me!' came Oromis' reply.

Dew sighed with relief.

'But what if you-know-what happens? I can't do this alone! And you heard what that freaky kid said . . .' Eragon stopped abruptly as he saw Dew's face.

'Sorry, I didn't mean freaky in a bad way . . .'

'That's fine' Dew sighed 'I'm used to it. Where is everyone else?'

'They went on a trip' sniffed Eragon 'They didn't even bother to _ask _if I wanted to come'

'At least they didn't leave you alone' Dew tried to comfort the little boy 'They didn't ask Oromis if he wanted to go either!'

'Um, well actually . . .' Oromis started.

Dew raised an eyebrow.

'No, they didn't ask me or Glaedr!' Oromis said quickly.

_Not that I ever wanted to go _said golden dragon, emerging from a hidden doorway along with Saphira.

'Well, it's a pity Angela isn't here, but aside from that I think we will make do. I have a very good plan today' Dew exclaimed 'Lets start asap!'

'Asap?' asked Oromis.

'It's actually A.S.A.P . . . . meaning As Soon As Possible. I use it really often' answered Dew.

'Oh. Well, what is this plan of yours?'

'This!' shouted Dew drawing her new pen out of her pocket.

'A pen?' Eragon asked dumbfounded.

'Not just a pen! A magical pen!'

'Like the mirror downstairs?' asked Oromis.

'How do you know about the mirror?'

'I went downstairs after you left yesterday'

'Ok . . . but how do you know it's magical?'

'I read the label' laughed Oromis.

Dew grinned awkwardly.

'Well, this pen is magical to, and I have read the instructions so we are ready to go go go!' Dew exclaimed.

With that she clicked the clicky-thing on the end of the pen.

Surprisingly, it went 'click'.

Even more surprisingly, it gave Dew an electric shock and then started billowing smoke.

The room filled with the sound of humans and dragons (and an elf) choking.

When the smoke cleared, the five of them saw a five other figures standing in front of them.

Also, Oromis was staring at himself in one of the large mirror of the wall.

'Ouch!' said one of the figures.

'What now?' sighed another figure.

'I bit my tounge!' said the first figure.

'You are such a dork!' said the second.

'Um . . . Morzan, Evandar, Brom, Kialandi and Vrael?' asked Dew.

'*sigh* Yes! Me! Morzan!' exclaimed the second figure.

'I'm Evandar' said a tall elf standing on the edge of the crowd.

'I'm the one with the severed tounge' said the first figure (asumed to be Brom).

'I'm Kialandi' said a dark haired elf.

'Present' said the last figure. (If you don't know which one he is you're dum. It's called The Process of Elimination.)

'Wow!' Dew squealed 'I'm in the presence of legends!'

'I know, I'm awesome!' said Kialandi.

'Where is Oromis?' asked Eragon.

'There' said Brom pointing. Everybody looked at the young elf with shoulder-long silvery hair and grey eyes. He was Oromis, but he wasn't . . . Oromis.

'I'm 750 years old again! I feel so young!' whispered Oromis.

'Young?' spluttered Morzan 'You have _got _to be kidding me! 750!'

'Damn!' cursed Dew 'I must have made him younger when I travelled through time!'

'We traveled through time? Does that mean we are like, in the past?' asked Brom.

'Actually . . . you're in the future, and we are in the present. Not that much past involved' Dew answered.

'What happens to me in the future, or present, or whatever it is?'

'Um . . . you do lots of fighting, you create the Varden, you have a kid . . .'

'He has a kid?' Morzan said scornfully 'With who? Or rather, with what?'

'With your girlfriend' Dew whispered to herself.

'So . . . why are we here?' asked Vrael, who looked incredibly bored.

'You guys are going to critisise one another' said Dew giggling.

Vrael's face lit up. 'Cool! Can we do Oromis?'

Dew stared at him thoughtfully. 'No, not yet. We can do Oromis next time, but I'm bringing a friend for that one. I might even let her be in charge for a while . . .' Dew shivered after imagining what that could lead to. 'Then again, I might just let her talk, putting her in charge would be to much'

'Pity' Vrael muttered to himself, and then asked: 'What is her name?'

Dew paused dramatically.

'Leah!' she exclaimed in an overly exagerated Galbatorix-voice.

'Sorry, why should we be scared?' asked Kialandi.

'Because Leah is both the most evil and the most strange person in the multi-universe, and also my best friend _ever_! She hates you' Dew stated looking at Oromis.

'Why does she hate me?' asked Oromis' younger version.

'Because you are my favourite character, so you have to be her least favourite'

'I'm your favourite character?'

'Um . . . . maybe. Now, I have decided that today we will be critisising Brom!' Dew quickly changed the subject.

'Yay!' shouted Morzan.

'No!' screamed Brom. He screamed like a girl.

'Yes Brom, it's your turn. Now Eragon, show Brom to the high chair'

Eragon was to busy staring at his dad. Dew rolled her eyes 'Fine! I'll do it!'

**Some time later . . .**

Everybody was seated. Dew scanned the room.

At the edge of the semi circle Evandar and Oromis-Juniorish-Version were in deep brotherly conversation about something (yes, Dew had recently discovered they were brothers!); next to him was Morzan, sulking; then came Vrael, happily chattering away with Kialandi. On the other edge was Eragon, still traumatised from meeting his much-younger-than-he-remembered father. Glaedr and Saphira sat behind them, Saphira cleaning the scales on her tail with a slender claw, and Glaedr trying to catch a fly that was buzzing around his head. Dew thought he looked rather like a little puppy. Not a kitten, cats are evil. Dew expected Galbatorix to keep cats. Werecats are cool though, don't underestimate the werecats.

Brom was sitting uncomfortably in his high chair.

'So, let's get started!' said Dew cheerfully 'First up, as always, me!'

'Well Brom, what can I say? As you are now, you are adorable! You are the spitting image of your son . . . or rather _he_ is the spitting image of _you _. . . Anyways, as you are now, you are fun, inquisitive (aka you ask loads of questions), cheery and . . . for some reason you remind me of a teddy bear'

Dew paused thoughtfully. _There really aren't any limits to my wierdness are there? _She thought to herself before she continued.

'But then you grew up. Arg . . . why? Well, I guess you had to. You went from adorable cuddly itsie boy to mad old grouch'

'Sorry, but it's true!' added Dew after seeing Broms unbelieving expresion.

'Actually, I have a question for you, even if you don't actually know the answer yet. How is it possible to go from being a powerful dragon rider to a grumpy old story teller in the middle of nowhere?'

Brom stared at her blankly.

'No idea' he said with wide eyes.

'Oh well' sighed Dew 'I didn't expect you to. Ok, next up, Morzan'

'No!' yelped Brom.

'Oh yes' whispered Morzan. His tone sent a shiver down Dew's spine.

'Well' said Morzan standing up 'I _could _describe him in one word, but that would be to easy'

'And boring' added Dew.

'Yeah whatever' Morzan rolled his eyes 'Anyway, I will _not _describe you in just one word'

'Brom, you are a complete freak, I mean, who the _hell _knocks on the frame of a door three times before he enters a room? Answer: you. Also, you suck your thumb . . . while you are awake! WTF?' continued Morzan.

'Who teaches you these things!' interrupted Dew.

'What things?'

'Modern swear words! And acronims!'

'It's actually not an acronim . . .' Oromis-Juniorish started.

'I know, but I like the word' Dew stopped him.

'We didn't learn them, we just know them' explained Vrael 'Swearing comes naturally' he grinned.

'You know, I never thought _you _would be such a dirty person' Dew said carefully. She didn't want to offend him. She obviously didn't.

Vrael sighed.

'I know, everybody always expects me to be some sort of angelic leader figure! They are always so dissapointed once they meet me . . .'

'Ehem, wasn't I talking?' Morzan sounded annoyed.

'Yes sorry. Please continue' Dew prompted.

'Well, Brom is also a stalker. Obsessed with me, that's what he is, and it is spooky!' Morzan paused 'He has a fairth of me on his bedroom wall' he whispered in a low voice.

'Eeeeeeew!' chorused the crowd.

'Yeah, gross I know' was Morzan's answer 'Well, that's all. Break-a-leg'

'Um . . . okaay. Next up, Eragon'

Eragon stood.

'Okay dad – I mean Brom. Not dad . . . no dad here – um . . .' Eragon trailed off awkwardly.

'Calm down' whispered Dew to comfort him.

'Ok' Eragon took a deep breath.

'Brom, you haven't met me yet, but you will . . . in the future. You will be a great guy, an inspiration, a leader . . . even if you do become a senile and grumpy old storyteller that eventually dies and gets entombed in diamond on a hill that's not important enough to have a name. But you are a great leader, founding the varden, killing Morzan-'

'WHAT?' screamed Morzan 'NO! NOT HIM!'

'Oh damnit!' cursed Dew.

'What are we going to do now? They know their future!' Oromis murmured to Dew.

'Um . . .' Dew wasn't sure.

'I WILL NOT DIE AT THE HANDS OF A LOSER LIKE HIM!' Morzan continued, oblivious to the fact that nobody was listening.

'Calm down . . .' said Oromis.

'I WILL NOT CALM DOWN!'

'Morzan . . .'

'NO!'

'Morzan sit down'

'MAKE ME!'

'I can do that you know'

'NO YOU CAN'T!'

'Actually I-'

'What's going on here?' came Nasuada's surprised voice.

'Oh! Everbody is back!' yelled Eragon relieved.

'What's Brom doing here?' asked Angela 'And why is he a pigmie again?'

'I'm not a pigmie!' protested Brom.

'Of course not dear' Angela answered him, her voice rather patronising.

Then Dew had an idea.

She tried to imagine herself a wand.

The wand appeared in her hand.

She pointed it at Brom and Morzan.

'Obbliviate'


End file.
